The Rodent: Mechanical Mayhem and Monsters
by Alteng
Summary: The first story of that incredible Time Lady and dumpster diver The Rodent. If you don't find it funny, at least it's weird. R&R, please.


This is the first of a series of stories written about that amazing Time Lady known most fondly as The Rodent (and she doth live up to her name), I originally wrote these stories for pen pals , who were into Dr. Who, and then it visited the newsletter of the club I belonged to, until the editors changed, and the guidelines changed. The stories get better (or worse) as they go along, and when I originally wrote them back in '86, vampires weren't that trendy as they are now . Just feel very sorry for Alandis for his upcoming adventures!   
  
Mechanical Monsters and Mayhem  
  
My adventures have been of a many and varied nature. I have saved the universe from marauding aliens, and Miriel, my companion, saved my TARDIS, fondly called George, from the horrible killer dust bunnies. The latter adventure is what brought about her cheerful spring cleaning. I tried to convince her that it was perpetual fall in the TARDIS (Everything about George was in a state of entropy, and I liked it that way.), but she didn't believe me. So, I knew I was in deep trouble when I rolled out of the bed and hit solid floor, instead of the soft comfy pile of dirty clothes, that were as high as my bed. Before now, I never knew where my bed started and the pile of dirty clothes started.  
  
Disgruntled, I got up and went groggily through the TARDIS corridors. There was no junk for me to stumble over. So, I just had to fall over my K-9 unit. Now, you must understand that my K-9 was like everything else in the TARDIS. He had more than his fair share of quirks, but what did I expect. I filched him from the fourth Doctor. hey, he had him stuffed away in a disused closet. One of K-9's amazing unique quirks was that he was never able to shoot a laser. Instead, he shot forks, and also he was never able to move in a forward motion. He always went tail first into danger, and he would more than likely find danger, tail first. No matter how I tried, I could not fix this quirk. Oh well, I knew there had to be a reason that he was so easy to filch.  
  
I went through to the TARDIS kitchen. I was going to make a peanut butter and jelly sandwich -- the great breakfast of the intergalactic traveler. I opened my refrigerator and let out a great scream. All the mold was gone! All my dad's generous little gifts were gone! (You must understand that dad had his quirks, too. He was in the habit of sending his exceptional daughter packages through the intergalactic post. These special packages usually contained six inch tall corpses of several and various different alien races. They were usually green and smelly by the time I got them. So, I stuck them in the freezer.) Upon finding their loss, I pouted. Dad had put a lot time and effort into those presents, and no matter where he went, he always remembered me, even with all the trouble he was having with his thirteenth incarnation and all.  
  
I grabbed my leash for K-9, tied it around his tail, and went to the console room. I hit the "stop" button on the console, and made my usual perfect landing. Picking myself up off the floor, I hoped that that messed up Miriel's cleaning. After all, we did skid for a quarter of a mile before we crashed into a structure. I hopped out of the TARDIS to see the topsoil torn away by the obvious culprit. My TARDIS was in the shape of a yellow bulldozer half covered in grass and dirt from the skidding. A large hole was ripped into the one story building. George had bounced back enough from his destructive impact to allow me and my K-9 into the structure. Oh well, since I was here, I might as well explore.  
  
I put K-9 on the floor of the interior. It was a dull metal interior. It reminded me of an abandoned prison. I looked down at K-9, "Make yourself useful and find food." Miriel had many faults, but she can mae gruel taste like a five star meal.  
  
K-9 wagged his tail and went tail first through the corridors. The place was dusty with debris . . . more debris than George had caused in the crash. I was homesick. K-9 stopped at a battered door.  
  
"Food here?"  
  
K-9 wagged his tail. He never got a speech chip. Sometimes, I was quite glad of that.  
  
I pushed on the door. It was locked. No problem. I had my handy dandy all purpose all lock lock pick. It looked remarkably like a can opener cork screw, and did as much damage. I opened the door with no problem. It was a messy method, but it worked.  
  
somehow I was not surprised to find that the room did not contain food supplies. The room was dimly lit with a dalek in the middle. There were three large cables running from its casing to places unknown.  
  
I gave K-9 a sound kick. "This is not food!"  
  
I studied the contraption hooked up to the dalek. I took hold of one of the cables and ended up across the room stunned. K-9 laughed. He may not have a speech chip, but he could laugh and make other rude noises. I glared at him. I pulled a hammer out of my amazingly deep pockets, and I bashed a nearby control panel. K-9 shook his head. I moved out of the way and sarcastically offered the dog the computer. H-9 attached his antenna to the computer base and wagged his tail happily. Too happily, if you asked me! He detached himself and nodded to the dalek.  
  
"If I get shocked again, you will never get another can of WD-40 as long as we both shall live!"  
  
I cautiously disconnected the cables. I knocked on the lid of the dalek. No response. I waggled his limbs and eyestalk. Nothing. I pushed him over to the wall and drew a picture of the fabled female dalek. Still nothing. He was truly out of it.  
  
Now, I know an alive dalek is not exactly a good thing to have around the place, but somehow, I just couldn't leave him here. So, I flipped his hood and did some major reprogramming (that I got a major slash across the hand for. There was no telling what my blood would do to this major green blob!) that disconnected his laser and would give him a headache to boot!  
  
As soon as I flipped his lid down, he woke up in a rather nasty mood and tried to zap everything within a five mile radius. Nevermind we were in a 2' by 2' room. Standing in a corner, I bandaged my wounded hand with supplies from the first aid kit from my immense pockets. Then I sat back and watched the show. When he was properly finished, I motioned for him to follow me.  
  
"I AM A DALEK. I DO NOT FOLLOW. I LEAD!"  
  
I smiled brightly and offered to follow him. we went along the corridor and found many cells with dead creatures in them. We found a dead cyberman, that the dalek tried to blow away. Being satisfied that the job was well done, he moved onward. Nevermind, his laser didn't work and the cyberman was already dead. We found a dead androgum. The dalek blasted him and his half eaten rabbit too. The next door I opened, we found a wall of flesh. I knew it was a dead Drashig. I knew the stench well. Dad had sent me one of these too. It was about five feet long after the shrinking process, and I used it as a rug in one of the corridors. That was before Miriel got rid of it. The dalek zapped it too. The next cell, we found a dead skunk. the dalek left this one without a zap. His olfactory circuits did work! We went on from cell to cell with the same routine. We found a dead ogri, a dead zarbi, a dead zygon, a dead rutan, a dead krynoid, a dead wirn, a dead kastrian, and a dead movellan among other things that I did not know. There were more variety of dead things than my dad's collection.  
  
The last door we came to concealed a young battered handsome man. He was shackled by energy bands, and a force field prevented my approach. I fiddled with the controls. Nothing happened. So, I gave it a firm certified kick. The force field and shackled man fell. Hey! It was the usual method I used to get George going.  
  
I moved to the young man. I put my hand on his ivory white cheek. He was cold to my touch. Drat! He was dead, too! I moved him surprisingly limber body to a more dignifying position. My wounded hand smeared blood on his face as I stroked the hair from his face. I reached into my pocket to find another handkerchief to wipe the blood off. I looked at him again, and I looked into aware emerald green eyes. My hearts skipped a beat or two. He blinked his eyes and brushed more of the blondish red hair out of his face. He had high cheek bones that suggested high breeding and a longish graceful nose. His face and his exposed flesh through the torn ragged clothes showed no blemish. Even my blood on his face was gone. his only flaw, that I could see, was he was a bit on the thin side for my liking. I could solve that! True, my cooking wasn't all that great, but I knew a few good restaurants around the universe, and I could always talk Miriel into cooking something good! All the same, I wanted to take him home right here and right now! I almost gave up my quest for the fifth Doctor, but a Time Lady has two hearts, why not two men.  
  
He blinked his eyes at Mikey (as I called the dale, because he continually told me how much he hated me, this exploration, and everything else. He especially hated being called Mikey. He was firm on his name was U7246825. By the time I called out a warning to him, he would be a big blob of green jelly on the far wall!) and K-9. He looked at me.  
  
"Hi!" I enthused, "I'm the Rodent!"  
  
He focused on me. "I'm called Alandis," he answered in a softly accented voice.  
  
"We're planning to break out of here. How about you? Going to join us?"  
  
He continued to focus on me, then he nodded his head. I helped him to his feet. His hands were still deathly cold. He gently pushed away my support. "We must destroy the monster that Sturd is creating.," he said in that wonderful voice of his.  
  
"What monster?" I asked finally getting over the romance of his voice, "Who's Sturd. With a name like that, his mother must have had it really out for him."  
  
"Sturd is a sontaran scientist. He plans to create the greatest fighting machine in the universe. It will fight only for the sontarans. We must destroy this monster before it stabilizes. It is your duty as a Time Lady to make sure his plans fail."  
  
Nevermind he knew that I was a Time Lady without telling him (muchless the rehashing of the old sci-fi plot line!). "But there's a dead sontaran in one of the cells."  
  
"IT IS NOT WRONG TO KILL A MEMBER OF ONE'S OWN RACE FOR THE SUCCESS OF THE WHOLE," Mikey answered.  
  
I would have much rathered packed up my things and made a run for it right there and then, but my companions were set upon finding and destroying this monster. Mikey did this because he felt that no inferior species (such as a sontaran) was going to use his genes to help conquer the universe for any other race than the daleks, and he wasn't too sure he'd do it for the daleks either. Alandis did this because that was the type of fellow that he was.  
  
I was following my intergalactic crusader friends, when suddenly I got grabbed from behind. Being clubbed on the back of the head by a heavy fist, I found myself unconscious. When I woke up, I had one heavy duty full strength headache. When I opened my eyes, I had a bigger headache than Miriel. I was strapped to a table. Several and asundrious rather nasty looking needles were aimed at strategic parts of my body.  
  
The sontaran stood near another table with a huge furry nasty looking (and I might well add nasty smelling) critter laying unconscious on it. This must be the monster that Alandis spoke of. I tried to move, but my restraints were firm. The sontaran noticed my movement. He came over to me to gloat. (Mayhap the creature was not the whole reason for the stench!!)  
  
"You shall provide my creation with the final needed genes for its perfection!"  
  
"There is no way I'm giving up my pants to that ugly furry critter!" I answered.  
  
Sturd looked at me puzzled. "it will be most enjoyable to watch a Time Lord die in such an agonizing way."  
  
"Time Lord? Where?" Sontarans are not exactly good at determining sexes. Besides, playing stupid was one of my strong points. I knew damn well what he meant, and I was completely helpless to stop him.  
  
I struggled in my bonds. "My creation shall conquer the universe for the glory of the sontaran empire! I have collected all the strongest races and isolated their greatest attributes for my creation. It has the strength, intelligence, determination, and loyalty of my own race. With your regenerative powers, it shall even emerge after destruction. He shall be invincible. The sontarans shall be glorious in victory!"  
  
I looked over at the monster. "It will need to regenerate. Maybe some of Alandis' attributes will come through, because it appears to have gain nothing from him."  
  
The self satisfied smirk crossed the sontaran's face. It worried me for two reasons. One reason was as amazing as it may sound, Sturd was capable of being uglier! Another reason was sontarans are one of those dull races that don't particularly like to smile. So, Sturd must have been amazingly moved by my comment, and there was more to Alandis than what may appear. Of course, this would be obvious to any intelligent being by the observation of all the dead critters that Mikey and I found, and Alandis was able to survive. "What little you know of your companion," he snarled.  
  
"She knows all she needs to know," I heard Alandis' firm (but cute) voice say, "and you know too little of me to mock her."  
  
I turned my head to watch the scuffle. Sturd rushed towards Alandis, who easily sidestepped him. The sontaran grabbed him from behind, but the young man was able to flip him over his head onto the floor. Sturd recovered quickly, and the two fighters locked arms. Alandis, for such a slight young man, was well capable of holding his own from the mad sontaran. It really made me wonder about the sontaran scientists words.  
  
My amazing fork shooting K-9 took careful aim at Sturd's probic vent. He shot and totally missed the sontaran and hit Mikey, who was on a totally different side of the room. Well, you didn't think he'd get it on the first try, did you! The fork slid down the dalek's metal skirt and fell harmlessly to the floor. Mikey fiddled with the controls of the devices that strapped me down. He was using a claw that came from his gun barrel to do it. he pulled a couple of levers and the straps fell away from the monster.  
  
"OH SHIT!!" he exclaimed.  
  
Well, at least he was not working for the sontarans. I think he was trying to rescue me. He must need me for some unknown reason. It is good to be needed. K-9 shot another fork. This one nailed the monster's thigh. The third fork nailed me. I was not thrilled. The fourth fork hit Alandis, who was too busy to notice (but at least that one was close.) The fifth fork nailed the control panel of the computer. The needles and probes moved in closer. I squinted my eyes shut. Then suddenly my straps came undone. I slithered to the floor and out of the way of danger. K-9's sixth and final arrow hit the proper target. Sturd hammed up his death scene, but we all ignored him, until he grabbed a hold of the monster in his death throws and ripped away a large patch of skin. This, of course, not only woke the monster, but it didn't make it exactly happy either. Since we were the only ones alive in the room for it to take its hostilities out on, it wasted no time in doing so.  
  
It attacked Mikey, who was the closest. It pulled at his lid and his eyestalk. No way could I allow this. I had disarmed Mikey, and besides, the little green blob just saved my life. True, he took his time about it all, but the important part was that I was still alive. That's all that really counted. Anyway, I rather liked Mikey and his superior grumpiness. He was quite nice for a dalek. I grabbed one of the discarded forks and poked the monster in the sore place that Sturd had created. The creature yowled and turned to attack me. I threw a beaker of goo at it. Grabbing K-9, I ran for the door. Alandis followed close behind, as he pulled Mikey along by the plunger.  
  
The monster recovered quickly and we could barely keep ahead of it. George was a welcomed sight. My companions and I rushed into the control room of the TARDIS. I slammed the doors shut.  
  
Clawed hands pulled at the doors. Try as he might, George was losing ground on keeping the doors shut. He wasn't built for this kind of abuse. Actually, George had trouble with the normal wear and tear of the space and time vortex. Anyway, the four of us had a conference, because I could not take off unless the TARDIS doors were shut.  
  
"I'm going to have to let it in one way or the other," I complained.  
  
"Let it in. Its structure is not stable yet. The wound Sturd had given it should not have happened, and it didn't heal fast enough," Alandis explained, "We can still defeat it. I can hold it at bay, then open the TARDIS doors and flush it out into space."  
  
"We will all be sucked out of the TARDIS!" I complained.  
  
"No," he replied, "You can program the computer to only open the doors for thirty seconds and hang on for that time. The doors should be programmed to close themselves back again. Mikey can hook himself into the console, and you still have K-9's leash. Tie him to the console. I will be the only one lost, as it should be." So, he's a bit suicidal.  
  
"K-9 AND I WILL HIDE IN THE INTERIOR OF THE TARDIS. I HAVE DONE MORE THAN ENOUGH BRAVERY FOR THIS ADVENTURE. I AM NOT PROGRAMMED FOR FOOLHARDINESS," Mikey answered as he and K-9 disappeared into the inner TARDIS.  
  
"I will not let you sacrifice your life!" I stated.  
  
"My life was forfeit long ago."  
  
"What do you mean?"  
  
"There is a reason I knew you were a Time Lady. I knew it by the smell and the feel of your blood. There is a reason why I could match Sturd's strength. There is a good reason why Sturd made the effort to capture me in the first place."  
  
"Yes, do go on," I said as I crossed my arms and leaned against the console.  
  
"You don't get it, do you? My quick recovery from a seemingly deathlike state. The disappearance of your blood on my face. My strength. My pallor. My knowledge of blood."  
  
"We all have hobbies," I answered logically.  
  
He threw up his hands and shook his head.  
  
"And your point is?" I asked.  
  
"I'm a vampire!"  
  
I fell from the console. I stared at him in disbelief from my new sitting position. The best looking semi-human male I pick up is a vampire. It ain't fair! MY TARDIS is in a state of decay; my father is in a real state of decay, and now my companion is from The State if Decay!!!! Why me??!!  
  
He offered me a hand up, but I was capable of my own feet. He withdrew his hand and shook his head. At that moment the monster broke through the doors. I had George promptly shut the doors again. Alandis faced down the monster. They wrestled and managed to wound each other quite a bit. I hit the coordinates on the console quite literally. We were off. I messed with the program safety on the doors. I glanced at the two fighters. Neither one of them were gaining ground, but they were certainly splattering enough graphic designs about.  
  
I pulled two oxygen masks from a hidden compartment under the console. (Sometimes there were truly gaseous things in the TARDIS! I am not the best of housekeepers! That's Miriel's job.) I put on my mask. I waited by the switch. Alandis came close enough. I hooked my free arm around his neck and attached the gas mask to his startled face. I wasn't sure if he need to breathe, and I was not about to take any chances. Still holding onto Alandis, I ran the program and grasped the console with my free hand. It delayed for five seconds. Opened the doors for thirty seconds. Alandis gave the monster a mighty kick. The major unwanted garbage got flushed out of the TARDIS and went flying off into the vortex. Major amounts of junk went flying with it. When the doors finally shut, I fell unconscious with one very much alive vampire in the same room. Not the smartest of moves, but a necessary one.  
  
I woke up in my not so sloppy bed. I would have passed this whole day off as a bad dream, but my room was too clean. I groggily tripped out of bed. I still was not used to the lack of dirty clothes on the floor. I cursed loudly.  
  
I wandered the corridors and found the clean sitting room. Alandis, dressed in a medieval red, gold, and black suit, sat next to Miriel on the couch. He was clean and his hair was neatly pulled back. Remembering his little tendency towards blood, I ran my hands around my neck. No mark. I sighed with relief. He was talking cheerfully with Miriel about different adventures. My dingie companion was impressed. (Nevermind I was impressed by anything he said!) Alandis saw me, and all the cheer fell from his pale face. He gave me a sad smile.  
  
"I did not mean to trick you into taking me with you, he said in a somber voice. he looked at the floor. "If you like," he continued quietly, "you can drop me off on the next planet you come to. It doesn't matter if it is habitable or not. I will survive whether I want to or not. I will not argue your choice."  
  
"No!" Miriel cried dramatically.  
  
I smiled. "I think I agree with the Jolly Homemaker here. How do I know that you won't be causing mischief on that poor unsuspecting planet, eh?"  
  
He shrugged. "I swear to you that I won't."  
  
"A word of a vampire?" I queried.  
  
His face flushed pink. Miriel looked confused. He did not tell her either! "It is all that I have," he replied.  
  
"Not good enough. At least yet. No. I think I'll keep a watchful eye on you."  
  
"But your duty as a Time Lady is to see that I am destroyed," he protested.  
  
"Who pays any attention to Time Lord Laws anyway! Of course, if I wake up to find teeth mark on my neck or on Miriel's neck . . . or Mikey's . . . I'm not sure if he's got a neck . . . you will find yourself on the end of a stick."  
  
The brighter smile returned to his face. "I would not. Nature or no, I am well capable of survival without your blood."  
  
I wondered what he meant by this remark, but I felt he meant no malus. I went in search of Mikey and K-9. I found that they were still getting along quite well together. They took turns tapping into the TARDIS computer and creating interesting print outs on the printer. I don't want to know. Somehow, I had the feeling that the mechanical companions were more trouble than the vampire! 


End file.
